Feb. 25, 2017, 1:37 a.m.
After Declan was born, but before Aila had gotten sick, Brian and I felt in our souls that one more child was in the stars. I was breastfeeding Declan right up until the night I took Aila to the ER, when we were transferred all over the hospital before finding our permanent month-long spot in the Bass Center for Childhood Cancer at Stanford. On one floor, I had asked whether anyone had a pump, as my breasts were throbbing. But in my heart of hearts, I knew that this was the end of creating milk for Declan, since immediately Aila needed all of me and all of her father. Another child was the farthest things from our minds.
It wasn't until last Summer, nearly a year into her treatment, that Brian and I could even bring ourselves to revisit the idea of a fourth baby. I was nearly forty years old, and our whole family was still on an odd and unexpected battlefield. Everything I read online (don't read anything online if you're approaching forty) indicated that sometime since Declan was born, it was likley that my reproductive system had biologically morphed into an arrid, unwelcoming spot for any baby to grow, assuming one of the handful of my old and decaying eggs would even be agreeable to the idea. I was scared at the prospect of navigating the physical demands of pregnancy while still on the cancer battlefield. And we together were confused and overwhelmed by (possibly even a bit ashamed of?) our seeming audacity...trying to bring a new child to life when another had been so very close to death. After all, who did we think we were?
I found out I was pregnant in early August, shortly after my fortieth birthday. I knew in my heart that I was pregnant about a week before I finally found the courage to buy a pregnancy test for confirmation. When I saw the positive result, I knew both that this was the right decision for our family and that I was beginning a very scary nine months. Even now, it's very hard for me to describe the nature of the fear, which is in part why it's taken me so incredibly long to share it on this blog, where I've easily written about the texture of chemo vomit and the specifics of Cosgroverstreet domestic disputes. It wasn't--isn't--a fear I understand, as it doesn't have anything to do with "normal" fears of pregancy, about miscarriage early on or eating the wrong foods for the baby or taking Advil when I wasn't supposed to. Rather, it has something to do with our eyes being wide open as parents, knowing that in spite of our greatest strength and efforts, this unborn baby is vulnerable in the world.
Aila's baby sister is due in mid-April. The kids are very excited. Zander likes to put his ear up to my belly and report to his sister and brother that "she's talking, really, I can hear her." Aila keeps asking me for a timeline of when "the baby's gonna poke out? one more day, Mom?" Declan just likes to come and "say hi" by whacking my belly with his little palm. Brian and I are very excited too, of course. Admittedly, there was visible relief on Brian's face when we found out early on that we were having a girl, since Zander and Declan (especially Declan) posed such unique challenges with regard to managing any sleep at all during the early months. But any healthy infant, boy or girl, sleeping or sleepless, will seem infinitely manageable by comparison with leukemia, I'm sure. At this point in the pregnancy, all I can think about is not being pregnant any longer, which turns out to be fairly protective against any fear other than that of being pregnant forever. I'm sure there will be time for existential fear later, but in the meantime I try to baske in the anticipatory relief of her birth, the thrill we'll feel when we hold her for the first time.
So, to conclude (or begin?), this sweet little baby girl will soon meet her family. She will be her own person, of course, but I'm afraid she already bears the onus of representing hope and health and life for a family that may admittedly be a bit starved for all three. We already love her and can't wait to bring her home.
Comments
Rosie 7 years, 8 months ago
Congratulations V and family! May hope, health, life and love prevail and reign supreme. Sending hugs from NYC. Your strength is formidable
Link | ReplyKaren 7 years, 8 months ago
Congratulations Cosgroverstreets! A baby girl! We are rooting for Aila and your whole family and we are so pleased for your good news. Hoping and wishing it's more and more good news now and into the future.
Link | Replylkc 7 years, 8 months ago
Many congratulations to your growing family!
Link | ReplyKatie Freeman 7 years, 8 months ago
I just read this! Fantastic!
Link | ReplyAngela Tana 7 years, 8 months ago
Congratulations Vicky!
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