Dec. 21, 2015, 2:06 a.m.
Quickest post ever, as I have to head to slumber next to my tiny 4 1/2-year old baby boy, who retreated to our bed tonight when he learned that Sissy would not be coming home. I spent the day in the ER with Aila, who developed a high fever last night. We methodically got things ready, and then she and I headed up to UCSF. After seven hours in the ER, multiple doctors, and a lot of crying and frustration, they decided to admit her to the PICU (Pediatric ICU), fearing sepsis. I'm not an MD but a Mom, and I kind of think that the risk of sepsis is low. For what it's worth, she was actually septic, when we reflect, in the days before we took her to the ER and she was eventually diagnosed with leukemia. And no one sent us to the ICU (in fact, they sent us home from the pediatrian's office after five hours, with no plan), although I do appreciate that she is now a chemotherapy patient, and the tune has changed. Nonetheless, the ICU kind of blows. There are no bathrooms or TVs in the rooms (bathroom is likely for infection reasons, but what about the TV?), and they are adamant about her sleeping in a "crib." I fought them tooth and nail until about that one until I left, and now Brian is there trying to figure out how he will sleep in the bed and she in the crib.
My Dad was here watching Declan, who was fast asleep, and Zander, who was terrified and refused to sleep. When I got home and Grandpa left, Zander hugged me, demanded baby-bottle-milk (probably a terrible thing for 4.5-year-olds, but honestly, I just don't care), and then began crying uncontrollably, muttering something about Sissy and Daddy coming home in the morning.
I think we have maybe entered the "numb" phase of this all? I feared this Delayed Intensificaiton phase for so long, and I guess it's because I suspected this was going to happen, in one way or another, over and over again. I want so much for Zander...just Zander...to have some kind of Christmas morning. So I hope that Sissy is released before then. As they poked her and prodded her today, I was aware at my own lack of emotion. As she cried and I held her, I just thought, baby girl, this is the way it is going to be for a while. Callousness? My own defense? Exhaustion?
Not sure, but I know we miss you and Daddy here at Elwood.
Endure this lousiness, my sweet baby. I love you.
Mom
Comments
Dawn Bender 8 years, 11 months ago
Hi Vicky. Back in elementary/middle school I was Dawn Blanchette. I just finished reading this blog from beginning to end. It made me cry in its beautiful honesty. I have 2 wonderful kids myself and cancer in either one of them has always been a secret fear of mine. But here you are working through it with one of yours. I'm amazed at your strength - you may not feel strong now you're still pushing through and advocating for your sweet daughter. I understand you may not believe in God but while you're fighting ALL with Aila I'll be praying for you and your family.
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