Nov. 10, 2015, 12:46 a.m.
Tomorrow Aila heads to UCSF with her grandfather for her Day 21 infusion of chemotherapy. She's done well with the last two, so with any luck we'll continue on that road. I told her tonight that Papa was going to take her to the doctor tomorrow and that they would be poking her in her port. She said "no, it hurts," and that she wanted "mama come." A little part of my soul hurts when she says this. She'll be fine with her grandfather, she really will. She loves him and he her. In psychology speak, I have all of these automatic thoughts about what "good mothers" would do in the same situation, about the importance of selflessness. But then, I think about how much I care about my work and what I do. I think about the fact that no one expects Brian to give up his career. And I think, I'll be home shortly after she's home. And that hopefully, one day, she'll think about the agony of my decision-making and at least understand.
It's been a brief, week-long period of respite. She has been happy, with minimal side effects and distress. It can't last, we know. But we have been able to remember the glory of our daughter, a funny, calm, little girl, who likes to paint watercolors and look at pictures on our phones.
I had been thinking for a while about reaching out to a high school classmate of mine, Lauren (Keating) Carey, with whom I'd run track and cross country. She last year ran the Boston Marathon for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS), raising money in honor of her father who had passed away when she was a baby. Even before Aila got sick, I was struck by the genuineness of her mission. We ran together in the early 90s in Bristol, CT, long before running was much of a "thing." I remember her as one of the only other young women at Bristol Central who genuinely saw virtue in long-distance running. When she announced that she was running Boston for LLS again this year, I felt like I wanted Aila to be in that race. I myself ran Boston in 2000 (ironically for childhood cancer at Mass General, where I was a Research Assistant at the time) and again in 2005, when I had actually managed to qualify. I qualified again in 2008, but the whitewash of pregnancies that ensued in the years following led to the unfortunate expiration of my entry. To this day, running is still the one thing in my life that offers pure, unadulterated peace, tranquility, a sense of strength, and a consistency and predictabilty that I yearn for every day. I have run without fail, almost every day since I was a freshman in college. Ironically (again), the only real exception was my pregnancy with Aila, which rendered me very overwhelmed, very depressed, and very, very tired. I stopped exercising for about three months around the time when she was born. But after she arrived and the world seemed lighter, both literally and figuratively, it was an easy decision to begin again. Our kids have all been running since they were weeks old. We have single and double Mountain Buggy strollers, and they're used to our weekend outings. For years, we've ventured onto the trails, although these days we do tend to stick closer to home on our running routes, in case our baby girl needs care.
I hope that with time, I'll be able to run for Aila. But for now, we're so glad Lauren will! Thank you, Lauren! This request for help, Aila, is for me. I know you don't care about the Boston Marathon (although if you'd like to at some point, I've got some really awesome training advice!). I hope you'll understand, when you are grown, how in need of support and love your father and I were. And how I can think of almost nothing more fitting than a marathon run with you in mind. After all, you're amidst your own marathon, even if your parents are the only ones who know it.
Smile and fight, my love.
Comments
Lauren Carey 9 years ago
I am so very honored to run for Aila. This little girl whom I have never met has been on my mind since you first wrote of her diagnosis. Running a marathon with meaning behind the miles makes it easy (as easy as a marathon can be).
Link | ReplyBecky 9 years ago
I love this. Running is unfortunately no longer the sanctuary for me that it was when I knew you, Vic, but I love that you are teaching your kids to love running and exercise. Consider me on Team Aila too, even if only virtually!
Link | ReplyBecky 9 years ago
Also..."before running was a 'thing.' Yes. Damn those 26.2 car stickers.
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