I just looked up the meaning of this phrase, as I didn't fully know. It stems from early 19th-century tenement living in New York City, where the shoddy architecture led to tenants below hearing the thud of first one shoe, then another, in close succession. We've had a good week! I can honestly say that it's been the first okay week since Aila was diagnosed. She had diarrhea and bellyaches. And her hair kept on falling out. And of course she still can't walk. But she was happy! Wow, that makes all the difference! I remember somewhere in the middle of our endless LPCH induction hospital stay, asking when my little girl would be "back." They looked at me with blank faces. She had been laying in her bed for days on end, crying when her parents touched her, bloated beyond belief. Sure, this was biologically my little girl. But where had she gone? Well, this week she was back.
But all good things must come to an end, it seems. Last night, Zander did a ton of yelling in his sleep, then woke up with a giant sinus infection. I've already had about twenty conversations with him about making sure that he wipes his nose on a tissue, but we just don't think it's going to be possible for Aila not to catch whatever this is. I just said to Brian that a fever is inevitable. Will she make it to chemo next Tuesday? Will it happen before? We could suit her up in a giant plastic garbage bag, of course, and try to keep her away from all germs. At the end of the day, it's just inevitable.
I hope that when we look back at this, that we feel that it was worth it to "carry on," as we're doing. I hope I don't look back and think, wow, I wish I had taken a 6-month leave from work. I hope that our babies understand that we are doing the very best we can, Grandpa included. I keep on thinking how proud my mother would have been of my father. But then, I suppose this is why she married him in the first place. Don't get me wrong, he's insanely messy, talks out of turn left and right, and drives me insane. But the kids (and Brian and I) love him beyond belief, and we are beyond grateful for his being here. He's currently thinking of renting an apartment in downtown Redwood City for the next year. We will love that he is here.
So, will the other shoe drop? As a psychologist, it's hard to think it won't. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. But maybe we need to get better at living in the moment, Brian and I. Today, she was happy. Today, she asked for eggs and spicy bunnies and oatmeal, and ate them all without incident. Today, she laughed. And Aila's is such a sweet, amazing laugh, framed with a contagious, geunine smile.
You're fighting!
Love, Mom
Comments
There are currently no comments
New Comment