Oct. 18, 2015, 2:14 a.m.
It's always been easy to identify the qualities that make it uniquely difficult to parent our oldest son, Zander Silas. From birth, he yelled. And yelled and yelled. I remember when he was about two- or three-days old, and we were still in the hospital. He was yelling so loudly and for so long that the nurses came by to make sure that Brian and I were not neglecting him. Instead, we'd been rocking and swaying him, trying to soothe him, for a very long time.
When Aila was born, he immediately loved her, which was something we didn't expect. He'd been yelling for so long and so loudly, we figured he'd just yell louder now that there was a little lady with whom he had to compete. But the opposite happened, and he was gentle with her as soon as she was born. When she learned to move and eventually walk, he wanted her to go everywhere with him and do everything he did, so he could teach and show her what he knew.
On August 8th, Zander lost his best friend. They were both sick that week, but he recovered and she never did. I wish I knew what went on in that tiny blonde brain, but we've witnessed his fear, resilience, sadness, and hope. When she was at LPCH in the early phases of her treatment, he learned quickly that she didn't want much to do with him. He would bring her toys from home and give them to her, but she would often turn them away. I don't know how he felt when she did this, but I know how I felt watching them. My tiny man wasn't sick, but a nasty cancer was teaching him about pain every day. Brian and I have known that we haven't been able to give Zander the attention that he deserves in the last few months. It's been impossible. We don't pay as much attention to Declan either, but he is still a baby, and he'll always have the luxury of never remembering any of this. But Zander has been asked to find solace in Jake and the Neverland Pirates and his toy Ipad way too many times.
Today, two amazing human beings, Teal and Dani, came and whisked Zander and Declan away on an adventure...first to the park, and then later to a pumpkin patch, where he picked out three pumpkins for Zander, Declan, and Sissy. Dani said to me later that she was impressed with how emotionally savvy Zander was. I agree. He's learned more about life's complexities in the last three months than most people do for much of their lives. When his baby brother is crying, he tries to calm him. When Aila is upset, he often stares at her and looks very confused. I kind of do the same thing. I never know whether to interpret her distress--because she's missing a toy or a snack--at face value, or whether to interpret it as indication that she is feeling physically sick in some way. I feel confused, too. I sometimes feel like Zander throws temper tantrums himself now in hopes that he can re-equilibrate our family system. Like maybe if he yells loud enough, the universe might realize that he, as first-born, had signed up for primary "problem kid" in our family. The spot was already taken, and Aila should seriously consider simply going back to easy and peace-loving, healthy and calm.
Zander gets along with almost everyone. Brian is really shy. I'm not shy, persay, but I am also more than a bit afraid of too much interpersonal interaction all at once. Zander, on the other hand, is the life of the party. He relishes attention and enjoys what he learns from new friends. He never ever gives us a hard time when he meets new poeple and is asked to spend time with them. He loves in turn to tell us about all of his adventures afterwards. In the last three months, he's seemlessly spent time with lots of strangers. He never complains.
And Zander carries on. With preschool, with speech therapy, during his time with Viviana and with Grandpa in the house. He's often gotten only a fraction of the sleep he needs since August, often because of some new medical problem with his sister--or a hospital stay--or she's been vomiting late into the night--or he's just scared. But he carries on. He gets up, eats his eggs, and goes to preschool. This is all just awful, but somehow he knows that his job is to keep moving forward and growing up.
Tonight, after Brian gave Aila a bath, I decided that it was finally time to cut off the little bit left of her long, beautiful hair that remained. Zander had taken a bath with her, and he lay next to her waiting for a diaper. As I cut her hair, I wept. He looked at me, curiously, and with some confusion, but he didn't say a word. I'll remember his gentle, innocent face during that moment forever.
Fight, baby.
Comments
Angela Tana 9 years, 1 month ago
He sounds like a very special boy filled with empathy. Maybe he'll become a doctor one day!
Link | Replyvk 8 years, 7 months ago
Zander is such a soulful kid. Love you all.
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